Our Philosophy

The core principles that guide our community and support system

The “No Quarter” Principle

I want to help everyone focus on healing after being cheated on and that means ruthlessly prioritising yourself in this very moment.

You may have been a “giver”, who now feels like you’ve been taken advantage of. You need to learn to put yourself first and realise that you don’t have to give the cheater anything anymore.

The cheater may point to “flaws” that forced them to cheat. Recognise that this is nonsense: You may have been able to improve the relationship, but the cheating is not your fault. The cheater could have communicated with you or even ended the relationship. The fact that they cheated suggests that the relationship was still a net positive for them to be in, yet they are too selfish to honour their commitment to it.

Prioritising yourself means that you do not have to consider the cheater’s feelings or outcomes. Them feeling bad about the relationship ending, or people knowing their true colours is a consequence of their own actions and not anything you are responsible for.

While I am happy for anyone who successfully reconciles happily with their cheating partner, I firmly believe that reconciliation should only be because the victim believes this is best for themselves. The needs and wants of the cheater should not be considered. The victim should also be entitled to any actions, policies or rules that they believe necessary for reconciliation. Any objections by the cheater that this violates their privacy or establishes a lack of trust are invalid and I would encourage anyone whose cheating ex’s show such a lack of remorse to question the feasibility of reconciliation. I recognise that reconciliation is a difficult path and any relationship with a foundation of broken trust has an inherent challenge. That is why I would personally never consider reconciliation.

1There is nothing shameful about being cheated on

You are a victim of cruelty that happens to many others, but is so unavoidable. To think that you have done anything wrong is nothing short of the abhorrent practice of victim-blaming. You have been loyal and committed, but there are shitty and deceitful people out there. You are worthy of being loved, but a cheater is incapable of providing love. The only people who should be ashamed are those who cheat. It is very likely, despite all the excuses and attempts to blame you a cheater may heap on you, they would have cheated on you no matter what.

2You have every right, or even duty, to let it be known

Wouldn't it be a lot better if you had known about your cheating ex's track record before you got together, so you could make an informed choice? By making it known, you reduce the likelihood that some other person will fall victim to your ex.

3Once a Cheater, Always Untrustworthy

Cheaters have a higher propensity to cheat - simply on account of the fact that they haven't seen it as a wrong in the past. You may think it's different with you, that the cheater would love you more than that. Unfortunately, someone else thought the same in the past and was proven wrong. You were just lucky enough that they demonstrated their character to you by hurting someone else. I've heard an apt analogy where dating a cheater is like buying a returned toaster at the usual price from the store. Sure, maybe it's been fixed at the store and might not blow up in your face. But why would you take the risk?

4There is no point in understanding motivations

It’s very clear why a thief might steal in certain situations - maybe they need to feed their family, or they were greedy. There is no justification for cheating, only excuses. Mind, they will make a bunch of excuses about how they were unhappy, or that you are inadequate in some way. Bollocks. They could always leave the relationship if they’re unhappy instead of betraying their partner. However, the longer you spend trying to rationalise how they could do it, or why they do it, the longer you will take to reconcile with the fact that this has nothing to do with you! From experience, I spent a lot of time wondering how someone as sweet and kind as my ex could do something so heinous to me. It was many days post-D day when someone told me quite matter-of-factly: “Because she’s a hypocrite”. It’s a tantalising prospect, that faced with being so helpless, that we attempt to take back control, to show some notion of localising the power we have, even if it means blaming ourselves. I’d argue that it’s a lot more productive to channel that desire for control into improving our own lives. To think you can control how other people act is a fool’s errand. You may have once thought that you could control your relationship by being a better partner, a more patient listener. Maybe you could have improved your relationship in some way, and this might be a valuable lesson for the future. However, there is no guarantee that any improvements would have stopped the cheating. The only certainty is that the cheating partner refused to communicate any issues and instead took the coward’s way out. Both parties are supposed to be responsible for the relationship, yet the cheater unilaterally shattered the trust.

5If you have been cheated on, take solace in the fact that they have tattooed a red flag on their foreheads through their actions

Cheaters have just demonstrated their rotten character, no matter the lengths they had gone to to conceal it. No decent, sensible person would get together with a cheater, because their track record is a recipe for disaster. Anyone who gets together with a cheater is probably looking to use that person for a short time instead of being in a committed relationship. A cheater's only chance at true love in the future will be through hiding the fact that they have wronged you, but you always have that leverage to let their future partners know. There is scientific evidence that the propensity to cheat has been expressed in genetic information - the longer the DRD4 gene, the more likely it is that a person would seek out sexual variation. Now, some couples have open relationships that enable sexual variation. If this is a red line for you - something you will not consider - well, dating a person who has cheated in the past is really trying to run against the headwinds of DNA. That said, lying about having intimate relations with someone else is absolute a choice, and genetics don't absolve someone of that.

6Time to Move On

You were in love with your impression of someone, but that someone has allowed that mask to slip. While it will hurt to let your relationship go down the drain like that, you always have to remember that it will be next to impossible to tell when that person has a mask up, or if the face you look at in the future is a genuine one. Brandon Flowers was cheated on, finding a girl in his bed. As devastating as that might have been, that emotional turmoil led to him writing Mr Brightside. This absolute banger of a song that has now broken records for being on the UK singles chart. Flowers is now an internationally renowned artist, and his cheating girlfriend is an absolute nobody. Being cheated on feels absolute horrendous and it’s going to feel that way for awhile. But I want you to know that you remain beautiful and can continue to create beauty - even from this absolute shitshow.

7You have to learn to trust again, but take it slow

You may have difficulty imagining trusting again - however, it is possible and many brothers before you have successfully forged ahead into a better relationship and life. Just as you may have been wronged to varying degrees in the past by others - whether you have been scammed, robbed, or otherwise violated - it does not mean that there aren't a tonne of good and supporting people out there. It will not be an easy journey moving on from betrayal, but we will walk together and support each other.